15 August 2005


No this post has nothing to do with Monday. I just don't know how to express how I feel. I am not doing very well with my body image these days. I have always been a very small girl. Tiny most of my life . I also knew that when I was pregnant with Mr. Roman that my body would not bounce back the way it did 10 years. But this so depressing. I only gained like 27 punds when I pregnant which is really darn good if I do say so myself. But since I have given birth I am still gaining weight. When I went to the doctor 5 weeks after giving birth I was only 9 pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant. well last week I went to the doctor to get my IUD and I have gained 3 more pounds. WTF? If you ask Frank he will tell you that all I eat is junk. He is right. I can not get enough of cakes, cookie dough, and brownies. Just for the record I have NEVER been a eater of these things now that is all I want. Maybe it is hormonal. I don't know. But I do know that I am miserable. I am not happy with the person I am seeing in the mirror and the one that I am seeing in the one million pictures we are taking around here. Here I am talking and bitching about it am I really gonna do anything about it probably not. I am lazy. Let me say that again, LAZY. ( in my defence my ex cracked my tale bone once when he threw me across a room so I can't do sit ups. But I probably would not do them anyway if I am being honest.) I want it to go away the way it always has. I want my old body back that I never had to work for. I had gotten a little belly after I quit dancing but I was never really worried about that. I would take that little belly right now . Please come back little belly. Please go away big non-pregnant belly.

Not only is the extra weight effecting the way I feel but it is messing with my sex life. I do not want Frank to go anywhere near me. And the thought of creative positions is also out of the question. My loose hanging parts bouncing everywhere under the inlfluence of gravity makes me feel ill. I know the kind of woman my husband is attracted to (he lets me know ALL the time when he sees one on the street or tv.) and I am not it right now. OK thats enough of that..

Dottie you did a really great job hosting Julie's baby shower yesterday. I enjoyed it very much and as always I love being at Will and Sarah's house. Everytime I leave thier and I have spent time with Will's mom I think Will's mom rocks. She is a really good grandma and I like to talk to her. The more I am around her the more I like being around her. I guess it makes sence seeing how she gave birth to one of my favorite people in the world.

And lastly Frank and I have been bouncing back in forth between three different churches. We have hit a wall becaiuse he liikes one and I like another. The weird thing is the one he likes is my mom's church so naturally you would think this would be my first choice but the more we go there the more I realize this is not where I want to be. Church should feel like home and I don't feel that there. I'm scared I will never feel that in any other church again. I hope it is not once in a lifetime thing. I am going to campain for one of the other ones that I like more. I just want to be somewhere so I can get my baby dedicated and Nelson can finally be baptised like he has wanted to for two years now. This means a decision will have to be made soon. I am not good at having things in the air. This uncertainty is not helping my present mood either. Hopefully God will let me now something soon.


Very goofy story about me and a IUD.


laurenbove said...

Perhaps it's easier when you have NEVER loved your body but don't be so hard on yourself. It really only makes things worse. Nobody likes their post pregancy body.

Your man loves YOU. A real life woman...not the imaginary dolls in the boob tube that are shoved down our throats. You, the woman who went through hell to give him the gift of immortality in his child.

You should be giving yourself MAD props for doing all that. The negative self talk is destructive. As Summer (notahamsandwich) once said, our body is our vessel. It's OURS! I'd direct you to her post on body image. Check it out.

Carbs and comfort food are typical fare of a new mom (again). They are (yes) comforting and easy to eat because they need little preparation. Right now it's calling to you. Endulge yourself. When YOU are ready, you'll naturally and without guilt, change your patterns and your body will respond. I'm certain it's still mighty cute.

Will Sansbury said...

Very goofy story about me and a IUD.

I know our entire relationship is built on mutual oversharing, but, uh, I'll skip that one. I'll come back on Wednesday. :P

HotMama said...

Well Lauren now I feel like a big ass. I had already decided that was gonna be the last time that I bitched about my weight because I think it makes people uncmfortable. Now I know for sure it is the last time. I by no means have ever loved my body but in its previous state it paid a lot of bills and a really big Cocaine habit (not proud of that, but one of things that made me who I am today) at one time so I am not really happy these days. I also suspect it has to do with some normal depression that I have suffered from for many years. I have been ignoring it because I really do not want to go back on meds because I love nursing Roman. I will check out sommer's veiw on body image