03 May 2005

It'a Always the Mother's Fault

Well today was a weird day. I took Allen and Nelson to thier first therapy session. Seeing how I had my first real morning sickness today after 32 weeks of pregnancy we were late getting to the appointment. Nelson did not get to be seen today and the doctor asked me who needed it more. Allen of course. But even though that was my fault this is not what the title is refering to. His meeting went as you would have thought any first vist would. I was ask to be in the room and the Dr. wanted to know why I thoought he needed to be there. I am not really going to give those details to you because that is Allen's private buisness. I will tell you about when the doctor ask why I was the one to leave my children when their father and I divorced in 1996. I was not ready for this question so I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Allen sat looking at me so I just gave the easiest and most honest answer I could. We got married when we were seniors in high school. I was a stay at home mom for almost eight years. I had never had a job and did not have an education. I could not take my cildren away form the home and lifestlye that they had known their whole lives. Allen did not say anything then but when we got into the car he started asking questions.

Allen- Where did you go?

(me sucking in hard and trying not to cry)

Me- Well Allen, I lived in my car for about six months.

(Nelson had picked up on the conversation by this time)

Nelson- The car?

Me- Yes

Allen- Did you sleep in the car?

Me- Sometimes

Allen- Where else?

Me- People's couches

Nelson- Strangers?

Me- No, they were people I knew

Nelson- You should have went to Pamma's

Me- You're right but i was trying to be brave and strong on my own without any help from pamma and papa.

Nelson- I would have went to pamma's anyway

Me- Well if I had it all over to do again, we all would have went to Pamma's.

Just let me tell you how much that conversation sucked. I guess I should be gratefull that it is out there now and I want have to that agian. Oh wait there's Trey, Shit, well I guess I will be doing that again. Well at least I have practice now. Oh and what I did not say is the doctor made it pretty clear that any issues Allen had was my fault. Looks like we have a long road ahead of us. Well I guess I will go get gassed up for the trip now.


RitaPita said...

For some reason i have the "Real World' begining in my head after this post. "to find out what happens when people stop being polite... and start getting real".

Don't let that doctor get you down. He doesn't know you, and he doesn't know your family.

I am glad you are all gassed up... you are doing a great job so far. Don't forget to check your fluids.

Will Sansbury said...

You know, Robin, I'm convinced that every time we rub shoulders with someone, we change them. If we act carefully, and with the other person's best interest at heart, the rubbing polishes them, makes them better. If we act carelessly, and thinking more of our own interests than theirs, we rough them up... chip their edges, damage them.

So, yeah, you chipped your boys' edges a long time ago. But you've also been polishing them for a while. The catch in it all is that it takes a lot more time to polish something nicely than it does to break it.

With time, persistence, and honesty like this, your boys will be ok.

You are a good mom.